


Spontanious Sub-Thoughts (that i choose to ignore)

by SalaciousSister



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Diary/Journal, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Don't Read This, Dream Journal, For Me, Rambling, Reflection, kind of pointless, shower thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:15:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 46
Words: 4,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21608929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalaciousSister/pseuds/SalaciousSister
Summary: Updates/Journal
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	1. Nov.29.2019

**Author's Note:**

> "This is a weird little journal thing for me to broadcast my thoughts to literally no one at all because a normal journal doesnt work and therapy is expensive."

Today I spent most of my time watched porn for 6 or 8 hrs; I took a break to watch some videos on writing drafts because my first time ever using a draft didnt work out too well. I mean like the idea of Putting Love To The Test and all but it some how feels more unfinished than Cummie Onesie which is saying a lot considering it is unfinished and itll probably stay that way for a while. I also think there might be something seriously wrong with me. God forbid the fbi search my hard drive and find all of my prompts and unfinished projects of child focused sexual fantasies, just think about how lazy id look then. Seriously though I dont think most of my fetishes are normal or even legal for that matter (no duh). I ate too much last night as obvious by my stomach cramps.


	2. Nov.30.2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There was a party last night"

I didnt really feel invited though, I mean it had a good atmosphere and the food was probably good if not too fancy. I just couldnt help but feel like the room was melting and caving in to eat me. I spent most of the party in the bathroom cooking my hands in the sink, they have way better hot water than I do but they could use a better hand towel. It was one of those towels where it leaves this white lint stuff behind. Ive also been thinking about writing some poetry because a friend of mine says its a more efficient way of venting if I have two outlets or it can be a good way to come up with some prompts for stories; win/win really.

Also Ive been thinking about those giant gummies shaped like real foods or objects and how completely useless and unpractical they are. I get that its for kids and theyll eat a whole crate of Styrofoam if you soak them all in honey but I honestly cant imagine anyone who would look at a full pound of chewy candy and think - this can only end positively. My bowels have been out of wack lately. The reason we crave normal foods is because they usually have 2 or more flavors in each bite, candy is almost always one continuous flavor until the end. If I had to eat the same thing for an hour straight id off myself without hesitation.

I also had this weird dream that I cant remember how it started but near the end I was trapped in an older dream. It was a large bedroom attached to a hallway with one door opened and from there would come this large hulking figure that would move slowly and had scales on his skin. He would try to kill me and Id either have to try to escape, kill him, or just avoid him forever. In this dream it was different; there was this red-headed girl running the circuit too, I think she was a character from an erotic Id just finished playing (Bernd and The Mystery of Unteralterbach). The fish monster showed up just as I was transitioning in between wake and sleep so I ended up doing finger guns at him because I thought I had actual guns for some reason despite me never seeing the before.


	3. Dec.6.2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Bad Neverland"

Does anyone remember a text-adventure game by the name of Bad Neverland? It was (and still sort of is, I mean you can still download it) one of the best sexual fantasy text based games ive ever played since Paramore or Corruption Of Champions. Unfortunately the project went under some time around 2018, probably because of the change in Patreon rules but they never fully announced why. I felt like playing it again, I have it saved on my drive somewhere. [https://badneverland.wordpress.com/]

I hadnt got the chance to finish off any of my new works recently because im using a family members computer, so I have to be stealthy about it and sometimes it takes weeks for me to get a chance to write. I do have a lot of ideas and drafts though, like this one idea for the next Brain Dead Kids chapter and Red The Clown. Also, in the wake of Homestuck 2 I decided to start work on some Homesmut. The ships arent all to popular though, except for one.

Im also getting ready to deal with all of the bullshit that the holiday season brings like people and weather.


	4. Dec.15.2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Finally some quiet"

i finally got around to finishing the fist chapter of Cummie Onesie which youd think would be the first priority if im writing any story but apparently not. Im working on the second chapter and the third for BDKs, maybe an xmas themed work would be nice? maybe even after chrismas ill post it idk it depends. also pixiv, i have a pixiv that i might post on soon.

ive been thinking about doing poetry and art not only to vent my incurable mentaly state but also because i think that people who say "fuck it" and decide to make their own porn is awesome. I might borrow my buddy's art stuff for something, i have a story that would fit the visually medium flawlessly and some grade C poetry to fit it. im not entirely sure when or how but ill get it to work i swear.

in other news im getting better at being nice and polite and not being as mean to my family and friends or strangers. its a slow progress but it is a progress. i also might have scoliosis but its very unlikely.


	5. Dec.16.19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "1st impression is the only 1"

im terrified of meeting new people or people i already know because i dont actually know them, people have privacy but they also have intentions. they scare the living shit out of me i swear. i can never tell if someones being genuine or sarcastic or if theyre lying to me because i dont actually know them, i only know the impression they give and i receive, i don't even know myself that much. i give everyone either an extremely stiff and rude personality or overly touchy-feely and perverted, i dont know how to put up boundaries without seeming like the genuinely most worst piece of shit to ever have the grace of splashing into a septic tank.

ive been trying to sound mostly tired all the time and extremely passive, that way i can be polite without being creepy and silent without reason. i dont understand why people scare me so much, id rather spend all day typing about it while feeling guilty than pay someone to find out. id rather die than speak to a crowd. id rather sexualize the people i see when im out in my fantasies and dreams than talk to them or try to start a relationship.

"you shouldnt care what anyone thinks" but if you dont impress everyone at every turn then what the fuck are you good for? if your not the absolute best you might as well kill yourself, what kind of faggot cant speak up when spoken to?

im working on some new stories


	6. Dec.19.2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "theres a storm in my head"

i thought the migraines wouldve stoped a while a go but aprently not. this screen is burning my eyes but the darkness isnt any better. i wish i had some tylenol or nyqull or something to scrape out the demon clawing at the strings of my eyes. ive always thought that i was too much of a pussy to kill myself let alone anyone else but if i dont get any sleep soon i might be famous and all over cnn by the morning. im almost done with two chaptrer 2s and a 3rd chapter. one of thems more filler than anything else but its importaint for something i have planned


	7. Dec.21.2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "New Fetish Acquired"

i just finished reading a bunch of James Howard's work. hes a mostly vore focused porn comic creator who id never heard of before until i read a few of his stuff and discovered something about my self that was weird. the vore isnt the weirdest part about this, the weirdest part is the specific subgenre or type of vore. it surprised me more than anything else.

the weird part is that i find consensual vore way more appealing than forced vore and even more so soft vore. this is weird to me, if youve seen BDK youd know that im completely fine with rape as a fetish material but for some reason vore hasnt crossed that line for me sort of. it may be because of the specific way i discovered it and the fact that its a new fetish that makes it so fragile and odd to me. maybe its the swallowed whole part that makes it weird for me because i have a draft for a story where a woman is kidnaped, disemboweled, and eaten alive my her own children[which is hard vore]. yet vore seems new to me.

working on chapter 2 of cummie onesie rn


	8. Dec.22.2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "New writing style"

from now on ill be sure to plan out a reason for my story to happen. most of my stories take place in Produnct but dont reflect the same world environment wise. i mean everyones way to comfortable with the idea of fucking a dead baby corpse but thats literally all that connects them. for some stories this is good because it shows how the outside world deals with these things but otherwise its just a lazy setting.

"hey check out this fictional place i made! its really edgy and everyone fucks kids" sounds really stupid. i need to separate it the way i meant for it to be because otherwise its really blank. i feel like BDKs focuses more on the center of Produnct than the rest. i also need to make a specific 'scene' for each chapter.

also recently ive discovered a streamer named Sykkuno and his voice really helps me relax for softer parts of stories.


	9. Dec.24.2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "break"

im thinking about taking a break to sort out everything. my life has started feeling static and my stories have too, or at least the drafts. ill be back sometime around the middle of next month with CO,BDK,Red, and a new series ive been thinking about maybe. i want to make a series of stories called Yes Please in which children approach adults with very strange requests like:

please mr, blow my brains out and fuck the hole  
or something like  
please ms, stomp my skull in and piss on my dying corpse

and it would eventually progress into ludicrous and somewhat hilarious ideas or something. i still dont know what i plan to do with CO, or BDK yet. Red is kind of a give with how im building his character arch and BDK is supposed to be all theatrical and shit but CO feels semi romantic with really boring sexual undertones. maybe i might fuck around and give vore a try, maybe something with a mimic or a slime monster or something. maybe a super smash bros fanfic with Kirby eating someone, no snuff though. i realized that vore hits a far more intimate cord in me than a sexual one... but i can make it sexy i swear.

and i might fix "putting love to the test" while im at it. idk


	10. Dec.25.2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "maybe 1 more"

b4 i go on break i might post an xmas related story, something about elves idk. merry holidays 


	11. Jan.5.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "smut"

i was reading some porn, right? i always read porn when im bored because im always horny.

i was reading through some works by some of my favorites; sexthehex [<https://archiveofourown.org/users/SexTheHex/profile>] and slutwriter [<http://members.adult-fanfiction.org/profile.php?no=1296959526>] 

and i noticed something about the type of stories they write, about how they write. hex has stories that sound like drafts and prompts but unfold into fun and hot little tales, slut on the other hand has both grand spectacles and short dramatic fics. the key with them is that they both write stories and oneshots but these oneshots are shorter than most without actually being shorter. most of hexs stories have very little plot to them but a lot of substance, its a small idea used to its fullest and slut uses the same approach by blowing simple prompts out of proportion while still being able to write interesting characters and entreating stories.

these mostly small and almost plot less stories are _smut_ and small or large plot filled stories are _erotica_. so basically, if i want to write an erotic story i could just write a story and for smut... i could just write a sex scene. its fucking genius, i know! here, let me break it down for you.

you see, stories are big and bulky ideas with lots of weight on them. they have **plot, characters, character arcs, theme, setting, actions, climax, dialogue, and multiple scenes and sections**. smut on the other hand, is like a quick pornhub video at 3am 2 hours before your alarm; short and simple. so smut has 4 main parts

  * Character
  * Setting
  * Action
  * Climax



(dialogue is optional) so if i separate my prompts into **oneshots, multiworks, and multichapters** and then i split those groups into **smut and stories** i just might actually get some fucking work done for once. i finally fucking figured it out! i might actually be able to post once every month or something like that!

also i wont be posting anything for a while, its getting busy again now that fall is over and i might not have access to the pc as much.


	12. Jan.11.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "punks not dead"

i feel indescribably sick in more ways than one but im not dead yet, just looking to get into work or school so that i can get my own pc or something. ill post something soon so shut up or nut up

cause i got a lot of work to do


	13. Jan.14.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "pixiv and reboots"

wats up demons, its me ja bronie back at it again with another useless journal

i might start doing some art on pixiv but dont hold your breath because i will itll just take a long time. i plan to completely rewrite some of my stories; Putting Love To The Test is definitely first but BDKs is second, it has a really good first chapter but the other too feel kind of rushed, dont worry ill keep the pedo-cannibal back seat necrophilia part dont get me started on the third chapter, holly shit was that out of place.

also i discovered 3 new kinks; a discrimination kink, a choking kink, and Spike from splatoon. my friends introduced me to him in the form of a voice dub clip and now i cant stop imagining him cradle me to sleep so he can lick my body with his probably weird and overly long and thin tongue. so thats a new prompt

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0r4uRMG2aew]

also im working on the next chapter to faygo grape immediately i honestly want to write a scene of gamzee being the best rapist ever


	14. Jan.18.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "ideas are temporary if we wish them to be"

so i just learned that sea urchins have a bunch of tentecles that they use to feel around for stuff an also eat, so thats going in the spyke fanfic for sure. also just had the idea of a hilarious dramatic peice in which everything is somesort of deep shakesperian toned metaphore of some dude trying to jack off while making a sandwich. i am very tired and the first thing i did when i woke up was watch hentai. i dont think i was supposed to do that because now i feel even more tiered thean i did before. 


	15. Feb.5.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "its a sausage fest in here"

maybe i should write some stories about girls? they're pretty cute too i mean, just not as hot as boys.

im also planning to take down and revamp every story i have here, i shouldve been doing that the whole time but pocrasti


	16. Feb.9.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Pre Spring Cleaning"

im gonna archive all my archive stories, delete them, fix them, and post them again. 1 story at a time, one chapter at a time.

i will also be posting that one splatoon fic i started writing.

im running out of cough drops.


	17. Feb.15.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "pro tip from a non pro"

long stories arent good

good stories are good


	18. Feb.22.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "do it faggot"

i had a nightmare but i cant remember it. something about my friends, i dont like to think about them in a dream setting. it ended with a bug crawling across my floor.

then i remembered that i have an ao3 acount and started working again


	19. March.13.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "cumming up on that squid kid"

im getting close to finishing "Spawing Your Squid Kid" and even closer to finish the first chapter of a gamzee x john humanstuck fic where gamzee and john have a sleep over that get super gay super quick. i still havent read the epilogues or hs^2 but my friends insist that i should. my "prompts" document is increasing at such a rate that i might as well post that instead of an actual erotic but fluffy love story between link and his bokoblin boyfriend or a super smash bros brawl story where link and toon link jack off on various objects that the other owns without either of them knowing.

in recent news, im going to have to start using napkins to wipe my ass now.


	20. March.24.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "let living let die & let living let lie"

at this point im just waiting to see which one of these i can get a chapter out of first. C-virus has everyone holed up in the same house meaning its harder for me to keep my writing private and harder for me to crank one out at night. next month ill have something done. not the squidkid one, im abandoning that for a little while. ill come back to it but right now i just need to focus on one thing at a time.

male seahorses give birth


	21. March.31.2020

maybe 3 stories a month works? not counting chapters because who knows how quickly i can post one or make one. corona quarantine had me on this nocturnal schedule for a while but i think i finally broke it. working on chapter 2 now. 

dont die


	22. April.12.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "um up to late and early"

chapter 2 is almost done. figured i should probably finish 1 story before i move on to the next that way i dont end up with a thousand propts and unfinished drafts.

20/4/2020 4:20


	23. April.13.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "413"

413


	24. April.30.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "excerpt"

"What? Who made you like this?" Camron demanded in frustrated but defensive tone. 

The room went silent. The only sound was coming from the TV in the other room. Both of the young men stared into each other to look for answers to question that haven't been asked.

He was terrifyingly dangerous and loyal. He was like a slave more than a brother or a cousin like he'd set out to be. Always looking to praise, to please anyone who would give him the time of day or night. It was obvious from the bags under his tired eyes, to marks on his neck, to the bruises on his sunken gut; he was killing himself for these people. A child devoted to service rather than self worth, lust for love.

He was a _wreck_. Tears burrowed their way around tear ducts his eyes and burned his eyes.

"I... I don't understand." 

His breathing was as unsteady as his balance, his hands squeezing the hem of his shorts.

"I- Am I not... I'm sorry." 

He turned to leave just as a tear reached the red ring around his throat.


	25. May.8.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "writers block"

the fuck am i doing?


	26. May.15.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "should i though?"

there are a lot of shitty drafts i wrote that went absolutely nowhere and a friend of mine suggested i create a series or collection of them just so i could put them out there at some point. im not sure if i should or not but im definitely getting in the mood for a good 1shot


	27. May.29.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "ur mom succ dik in hel"

writers block sucks but watching and reading porn really brings out inspiration

https://www.xvideos.com/video24552325/the_devils


	28. June.11.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "lucky #11"

huzzah

i have been blessed with new vigor, new story ideas, more time, more porn to motivate me. most important of all i stopped having emotional breakdowns about what these fetishes mean psychologically and if im a sociopath.

working on something else while i figure out what to do with Mudboi313


	29. July.3.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "guess i like satan now"

he do be lookin kinda fresh doe ngl


	30. July.5.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i'll write sumthing soon i promise"

<https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5d0cb635638f7>


	31. July.14.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear"

im finally almost done with Faygo Grape. i might do something after the rape scene, maybe not. after this i might try something with tf or vore.

also you should listen to Twin Temples


	32. July.19.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "strange dreams"

Wooden interior, Attic.

A lanky boy in a striped shirt that kind of looks like Kyle from Fanboy and Chum Chum is rambling about something or another that happened on a Kenshi online forum while walking slowly. He is calm. POV of other character is talking to him but he does not answer. He picks up a wooden board (2x4?) and breaks it over POV's head and continues rambling as he drags the body away.

Scene, POV, and visuals change to a red hue with Jamie Hewlett art styling. Kid continues to ramble about game forums and how he eventually found a user who insulted him (POV?). Kid chains other character to wall and reveals them to be another young boy in a red and while Evil Kaneville track suit, kind of looks like Kick Buttowski and is out of art style. Prostitutes, men, women, children, and a few doberman are in the room on large beds using heroin and cocaine. 

Kid walks out of room and into sealed off room (blue hue) with camera laptop broadcasting previous room. narration fades into "Dare" instrumentals from Gorillaz. he begins undoing his pants as the other room breaks out into a softcore orgy. The orgy continues and one of the dogs begins to fuck a nearby woman and begins taking bites out of her neck. Cannibalism ensues as one of the peoples guns go off causing more guns to go off and the room breaks into a panic of rape, stabbings, and gun fire. Carnage eventual ceases (music dies down) as chained kid stares wide eyed and horrified at mutilated bodies while blood drips from his face. Kid on laptop zips up pants looking satisfied. (masturbation?) Fade to black.

Dream End.


	33. July.20.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "1 last touch"

im almost completely done with Faygo Grape but theres something special i want to try at the end including art skills. of course this will require the help of my fellow degenerate friend from the far lands of tumblr but im sure it wont turn out a complete failure.


	34. July.22.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i cant even lie"

doing a final draft of Faygo Grape while considering picking Mudboi back up

[quarantine is final looking up for me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWXZeRTlskA)


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "prompts"

if i dont put out at least 2 stories next month i have to start posting my "prompts" here instead. because im such an amiture i don't actually know what a prompt is. in this txt file theres a series of random mentions of scenarios and scenes with little to no context one of which is simply the words; _"kiwi kaboodal ur tounge is a noodle"_ how what am i supposed to do with that?


	36. July.28.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "sorry in advance"

i apologize to anyone i will inevitably harm with my obscene statements or rambling. know that while i do feel sympathy, do not hold back. feel free to call me out on anything i say or do that makes you uncomfortable, nauseous, threatened, or over all; Terrible. while i cannot change what i am i believe that i might be able to change who i am.


	37. July.28.2020.11:50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "live and let die"

i should probably focus on one thing at a time and just work on finishing and posting it instead of perfecting it. i can always instantly fix it if it sucks anyway.

dreams about my mother are getting increasingly stressful and realistic


	38. July.30.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Moby Huge"


	39. Aug.4.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Adolf, im not Stalin i swear!"

i know its taking a long time for me to put out new chapters for Button Mashing, Orange Berry or any of my other ideas but my [boyfriend](https://nottabe.tumblr.com/) is super fucking needy okay?


	40. Aug.9.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i might be Stalin"

Button Tapping is one of my oldest and in my opinion best stories, it a little old and sometimes it feels like my old wattpad stuff but it still scares me to add a new chapter. i might up date some of the older parts once i finish it but i will be posting a new chapter for it soon.


	41. Aug.9.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "fear"

i just had a dream where i molested someone in my bathroom. it never got further than groping and kissing but it felt so surreal and i feel so guilty. they just kept ridiculing me in a weird childish tone. they had a weird owo loli voice and they were making extremely sexual sounds no matter how i touched them. and i kept asking "what if i do this?" and other sick shit like that.

so do i kill my self now or is their a guillotine outside?


	42. Sept.12.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y so sereus

i think i made the mistake of taking myself too seriously


	43. theres nothing we can do everypony. its out of our hooves now.

**EVERYTHING IS GONE. i broke my flashdrive like a fucking idtiot. my chapters and notes are gone. so much of my fucking porn is gone. i had my passwords and bookmarks saved but that hardly matters when so much is gone. all my drafts and references are gone. all of my somewhat clever prompts are gone. NOW i have to start all over again. with everything because its fucked. im going to have a suicidal breakdown i fucking swear. i had so much shit on that cracked little flashdrive but for somereason i never thought to back it up. N had something backed up on his computer but most of his shit was in my drive which may i remind you is GONE. this is why people kill other people. shit like this.**


	44. Nov.4.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im falling apart in my seat

im getting scared of self reflection and its causing me extreme fatigue in a similar fashion to scrolling through news about the latest controversy. 


	45. Nov.14.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "closer, closer, stop."

i think with my new momentum, im going to start posting a new chapter/story once a week. not even a fully finished work just something to get the secretions flowing. i as a person am starting slowly find out more and more what the fuck is wrong with me. i mean i already know whats wrong with me but im starting to find out why that is and ive started to re-evaluate my past and realize that maybe i was a victim of something more than i was a bystander or abuser. dont get me wrong im still a horribly, terrible person and i do look forward to death by hanging but recently ive decided that maybe i should look forward to other things as well. im still going to post absolutely depraved shit but im going to post it more frequently and with less care. after all **"There is no excuse"**


	46. Dec.16.2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i think so..."

its actually fucking with my head- am i trans? im fine with being a guy or whatever but this has been going on since i was a kid. im actually about to fucking panic.


End file.
